Funny Mery

One night, a couple is in the bed and the husband smoothly caresses their wife's arm... the wife is turned and she tells him: I'm sorry but I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to be fresh. The husband, rejected, turns back to his bed side and tries to sleep... Some minutes later it turns again and it uncovers her wife again, he whispers to her: Have you an appointment with the dentist tomorrow too?

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for s*x. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,...

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says: "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says: "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says: "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says: "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says: "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, ...

This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning. He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man." So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man. So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike!!!"

A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck. He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner. He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street." He was in luck. She was a knockout. They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed. She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300". His eyes popped open and he asked "300?" She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains". He proceeded. "See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good." He was like, "well go right ahead honey". So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had. After ...

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite." "OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card; it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surp...

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?” “It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.” The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?” “Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied. “Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”

A Male patient just recovered successfully from a s** threatening health attack. He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed. An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge. The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you clean” The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK” The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much. So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly man ejaculated on nurse’s hand. The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know 'Are my tests results back?’”

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without s** for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?” The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed. ”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.” The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. ”How did it go?” the doctor asked. ”Terrible, doctor, terrible.” ”Did it not work?” ”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the...

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having s**. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further. The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having s**. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby." His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

One day Little Timmy caught his mom and dad having s**. Little Timmy asks his dad "Can I join you?" His dad asks "Can your dick touch your ass?" Timmy replies "No." "Then no." Dad replies. Later on he catches his dad looking at porn. Timmy asks "Can I look with you Daddy?" His dad asks again "Can your dick touch your ass?" "No." "Then no." Later that night Little Timmy is eating cookies. His dad walks into the kitchen and asks "Can I have a cookie?" Timmy asks "Can your dick touch your ass?" His dad replies "Yes." "Then go fuck yourself these cookies are mine!"

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says  he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds  a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says  "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter. A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time  there are two girls with the same sign. A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter. A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a huge  gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I screw you."  

  One night a little girl walks in on her parents having s*x. The mother is going up and down on the father and  when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her  little girl about s*x so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so  I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face,  “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy,  everytime you leave in the morning, the lady  next door comes over and blows it back up.”

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,  when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a c**d*m, cut off the end,  put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore  and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of c**d*ms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely  (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately  asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The guy thinks and also begins to pack his bags.  His wife asks him: What are you doing ? I will also go to Monaco to see how you will manage  with 1000 euros per year in your new life. A beautiful young woman asks her husband: My love, what kind of woman would you like to have?  A very beautiful woman or a very intelligent woman or a good woman in bed? Honey, none of the three, because I chose you. In her house, Marie looks at herself naked in front of  a mirror. She said to her husband: Honey, I'm horrible, fat and ugly. I need a compliment  on this Valentine's Day. The man replies: Mary, you see things straight in the face. A mother asks a couple spending Valentine's  Day in a public garden: Without a man, what would a woman do? The young woman answers: she would surely train another animal.

  This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and  the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he  starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know  what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table,  gets on top of her and starts having s*x with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

  Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass  a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses  her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath,  so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones  the second woman's husband, furious:  "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with  a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said,  'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

  The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large  supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman  my wife appears out of nowhere.”

  A mother and her 6-year-old son Leo leave by car.  At the first red light the mother stops. Leo doesn't take his eyes off the lights and  after a while he says to his mum: It's green. No answer. Leo repeats: It's green. Still no answer. Leo insists: I'm telling you it's green! The mother, a tad annoyed, ends up answering her: But you annoy me, I don't know… a frog?

  A newly married couple are in bed when the man asks his  wife how many men she has slept with After the question,  the woman doesn’t respond. The man asks again “Just tell me, it’s fine.  How many men have you slept with?” His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling. The man says “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.  I just thought we could trust each other…” Still silence from his wife. The man, giving up, says “It’s OK. Please don’t be upset.” Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging  and kissing her, showing his affection. While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses,  stops looking at the ceiling, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband,

  A lady said to her husband: - Darling, Jeremy is going to be sixteen. You have to inform  him of the mysteries of life, it's up to you to do it.  But he is a sensitive child. So tell him about bees, pigeons, horses… - Agreed, my dear. And the Duke goes to see his son: - Jeremy, remember what we did in London last week  with those two lovely people? Well, your mother tells you that for bees, pigeons  and horses, it's the same.

  A young executive is sent by his company to work in a distant country.  The time to settle a number of material problems and  to be sure to stay there, he leaves alone, without his wife. After a few months his situation seems stable, he has found  a house, and he brings his wife. The day after her arrival, the husband gets up early to  go to the office and leaves discreetly, letting her sleep. Half an hour later the maid shakes her, saying: - Come on, miss, wake up! Get dressed and go home...

  Last night I went out with some friends. I told my husband I would be home at midnight sharp . "I promise you," I told him. But the evening was great: we drank, we danced, and drank again…  and I didn't see the time pass. Result: I came home at 3 am completely burned out. No sooner had I walked through the door than that stupid  Swiss cuckoo started yelling “cuckoo” three times.  I figured that would wake up my husband, so I shouted  “hello” nine more times. What I was happy and puffed up with  pride to have had so quickly, although drunk, an idea that  would prevent me from fried with my husband. I went to bed with peace of mind congratulating  myself on being so smart and responsive. The same day at breakfast, my husband asked me what  time I was home and I told him that I had arrived sharp  at midnight, as I had promised him. He didn't say anything but he still looked suspicious. "Well, I'm saved," I said to myself. Then he said to ...