Funny Mery

  A teacher is having lunch in the canteen when a student  comes to sit across from him. The teacher said to him with a smirk: Birds and pigs don't have lunch together! Oh ! apologize, so I'm flying away, the student replies. Ashamed of having been fooled so stupidly, the teacher  decides to stick him during the test the following week,  but the student answers all the questions perfectly.  So the teacher asks him a little problem: -You are in the street and you find two bags,  one contains banknotes and the other intelligence,  which one do you choose? – The bag full of tickets, answers the student. – Me, in your place, I would have chosen intelligence! – People always take what they don't have, answers the student. The professor swallows his rage, but he takes  the student's paper and writes in the margin: "ASSHOLE". The student takes his copy, goes to sit down and  after a few minutes, he comes back. - Sir, he said to him, you signed but y...

  A woman comes home and hears a funny noise coming from  her daughter's room. She opens the door and surprises  her daughter with a vibrator. She asks him,  "For heaven's sake, what are you doing here?" His daughter then replies: “Mom, I am 35 years old,  not married  and this is the thing that I have found that comes  closest to a husband. So get out of here and leave me alone.  The next day the father enters the house and  hears the same noise coming from his daughter's room.  He opens the door and surprises his daughter with  a vibrator. He asks her what she is doing there. She replies,  "Dad, I'm 35, not married, and that's the one thing  I've found that comes closest to a husband.  So get out of here and leave me alone.  A few days later the mother enters the house with  her provisions which she places on the kitchen table  when she hears the same noise but this time coming  from the living r...

  It's a gentleman who comes home from work. As soon as you walk through the door, his wife exclaims:  "It's you, darling, there's the closet shelf that's all broken,  can you fix it for me?" The husband replies: “It's not okay, I'm not a carpenter!!!!  The next day he arrives again from work, his wife, mop in hand,  says to him: “There is a leak in the drain of the sink, can you fix it for me? The grumpy husband said to her: “Ah, but I'm not a plumber !!!!  And the next day again, the bedside lamp that no longer lights up. Say darling, said his wife tenderly, are you going to be able to do  something by the lamp? The furious husband said to her: “You always start to annoy me  about something to fix, I'm not an electrician!!!!  The next day when the husband arrives,  the very happy wife says to him: – You know the neighbor upstairs, the little young man , what a handyman he is, in less than two he has everything  in place. And you k...

  Gaspard spends his day hunting and when he's  done he goes to Lily's for a drink. Over time he got into the annoying habit of banging  the butt of his rifle against the ground, annoying Lily in the process. One day you will see, you will leave a cartridge in  your gun, you will hit the butt on the ground and the  shot will go off by itself! And one day it happened. You see, I told you, Gaspard, that the shot will go away  one day! I hope the waitress is okay, she's supposed  to be sleeping up there. Please go see. Gaspard goes up then comes down five minutes  later all white. The waitress has nothing. The ball passed to him  at the level of the kitty… On the other hand the head of your husband… 

  A couple goes fishing for their vacation near a national park. The husband likes to fish at dawn; his wife prefers to read. One morning, the husband returns after several hours fishing  and decides to take a nap. The woman decides to take the boat.  She is unfamiliar with the lake so she rows, anchors the boat  and starts reading her book. Shortly after, the ranger arrives in his boat. He approaches  the boat and says: Hello, Madame. What are you doing ? I'm reading my book, she answers and she thinks  “Is this guy blind or what? - You are in a no-fishing area, he said. But, Officer, I don't fish. Can't you see that? But you have all the equipment, Madam. I'm going to have  to take you out and charge you. If you do that I will accuse you of rape,  answers the woman furiously. I didn't even touch you, grumbles the ranger. Yes, it's true… But you have all the necessary equipment!

  Three friends take a break in the company cafeteria. They discuss human stupidity in general and the stupidity  of their respective wives in particular. The first remarks: Women are especially stupid when they go shopping.  They believe in Santa Claus. Here my wife bought a 3000 euro haute couture dress  and she can't even fit in it. The second explains: – Me, my wife has just bought a Mercedes coupé and she  has overlooked one detail, it is that she does not yet have a driving license… The third bids: Mine is without a doubt the most stupid of women;  she bought a box of 100 condoms before going on vacation  to Mexico and I'm not even coming with her...

  A guy comes back from a trip. So darling, have you been faithful? Yes of course no problem. The guy jumps on her and they make love like crazy. The neighbor knocks on the wall and shouts: So, it's every evening now?

  A guy walks into a bar one day and orders 2 scotches from the bartender. Bartender: A double? No, no, two whiskeys in two different glasses. The surprised bartender serves the two glasses…  The customer drinks the two glasses pays and leaves. The next day same scenario, as well as the following days… Intrigued, the bartender asks his customer why he always drinks  two glasses when a double would be more economical. Well I'm going to tell you… I used to have an aperitif every day  with a friend who went to Australia, we promised each other  to continue drinking every day, one to the health of the other. The bartender seems very happy with this story, until the day  the customer comes back and asks for a scotch! The very annoyed bartender: Did your friend have a bad thing? No why ? responds the customer. Well, I don't know, but today, you only have one drink! Oh!!! It's nothing, it's just that my doctor advised me to stop drinking...

  Well, we've been trying to have children for 5 years without success and…  I'd like to know how you're doing! Well, I'm like everyone else… Yes, but it doesn't work for me! Please give me something! It's your job as a doctor, isn't it? Good. I will help you. First you need to buy three things: a soap,  a bottle of perfume and a broom. The guy takes note and asks: Ok, but what is the soap for? Before any attempt to have a child, you give your wife  a good bath with soap! Ok… And with the perfume? When she's had a good bath, you dry her off, you put her on your  bed and you perfume her… Ahhhh all right… And the broom? What do I do with the broom? Good… When she's well washed, perfumed and ready for the bed,  you hit the ceiling twice very hard with the broom, and I'll be right there.

  question and if you don't know the answer, you give me 5 euros and vice versa. » The blonde again politely declines, but the lawyer persists. "Okay, let's say if I ask you a question and you don't know the answer, you give me 5 euros, but if you ask me a question and I don't know the answer, I'll give you 100 euros. » This proposal piques the curiosity of the blonde and she finally decides to accept. The lawyer begins: - What is the distance between the earth and the moon? The blonde doesn't say a word, opens her purse, takes out a 5 euro note and gives it to the lawyer. - Your turn ! said the lawyer confidently. The blonde asks: - What goes up the hill with three legs and goes down it with four legs? The lawyer doesn't really know what to answer, but for 100 euros, he decides it's worth looking for! He pulls out his laptop and searches through his CD encyclopedia and all his other references: nothing. He plugs into the Internet using the plane...

  A Man Stopped At His Favorite Watering Hole After  A Hard Days Work To Relax. He Noticed A Man Next  To Him Ordered A Shot And A Beer. The Man Drank The Shot,  Chased It With The Beer And Then Looked Into  His Shirt Pocket. This Continued Several Times Before  The Man’s Curiosity Got The Best Of Him. He Leaned  Over To The Guy And Said, “Excuse Me, I Couldn’t Help  But Notice Your Little Ritual, Why In The World Do  You Look Into Your Shirt Pocket Every Time You Drink  Your Shot & Beer”? The Man Replied, “There’s A Picture Of  My Wife In There, And When She Starts Lookin’ Good, I’m Headin’ Home”!

  In A Mental Institution A Nurse Walks Into A Room  And Sees A Patient Acting Like He’s Driving A Car.  The Nurse Asks Him, “Charlie, What Are You Doing?” Charlie Replied, “Driving To Chicago!”  The Nurse Wishes Him A Good Trip And Leaves The Room. The Next Day The Nurse Enters Charlies Room  Just As He Stops Driving His Imaginary Car And Asks,  “Well Charlie, How Are You Doing?” Charlies Says, “I Just Got Into Chicago.” “Great,” Replied The Nurse. The Nurse Leaves Charlie’s Room  And Goes Across The Hall Into Bob’s Room,  And Finds Bob Sitting On His Bed Furiously Masturbating.  Shocked, She Asks, “Bob, What Are You Doing?” Bob Says,  “I’m Screwing Charlie’s Wife While He’s In Chicago!”

  A Newsboy Was Standing On The Corner With A Stack Of Papers,  Yelling, “Read All About It. Fifty People Swindled!  Fifty People Swindled!” Curious, A Man Walked Over,  Bought A Paper, And Checked The Front Page.  What He Saw Was Yesterday’s Paper.  The Man Said, “Hey, This Is An Old Paper,  Where’s The Story About The Big Swindle?”  The Newsboy Ignored Him And Went On Calling Out,  “Read All About It. Fifty-One People Swindled!”

  A father comes home from the office earlier than usual and discovers three Calva glasses on the kitchen table. He calls his little boy: Tell me Mathias, were there visitors this afternoon? Yes Dad ! A gentleman came and mum offered him a little calva to drink! But the third glass, then, whose is it? Mathias becomes very red and in a whisper he ends up saying: I drank it!But finally Mathias, it's not for children!  And you didn't feel bad? No, it didn't bother me, but mum and the man,  they must have gone to bed!

  It's a guy who comes running into a bar and asks the waiter:  “I'd like a whiskey, not two, well ten whiskies. The waiter,  a little surprised, serves him the ten glasses on a tray and  the guy drinks them bottoms up one after the other.  The waiter asks him: "Excuse me, why did you want ten  whiskeys all at once?" “Today is a special day. I'm  celebrating my first blowjob. "Well then, if I can afford to  offer you the eleventh?" "Oh, you know if the taste hasn't  gone away with ten, one more won't change anything!"

  A lady comes back at midnight and finds the babysitter with the torn skirt, tattered bodice etc. My son was unbearable? No madam, he fell asleep at half past eight. On the other hand, your husband came home much earlier than expected !

  A father grows impatient in a maternity ward. He fantasizes about his future son, whom he already sees as a doctor or a great engineer... Finally, the nurse comes to him with a beautiful baby in her arms. He caresses it with his hand and suddenly exclaims: It's a boy, I guessed it! No, said the nurse, you're holding my little finger!

  In a hospital, a couple comes for an artificial fertilization. We ask the husband to go into a small room to give his sperm. As after an hour he still hasn't come out, a nurse knocks and asks him if everything is fine. The guy answers: - No, it's the sixth time that I miss the saucer!

  A pretty woman goes to a gynecologist for artificial insemination. The doctor makes her undress then takes off her pants, her underpants and approaches her.  The woman gets worried and asks him what he plans to do to her. - Madam, said the doctor, as we have no more bottles, I'm going to pressure you.

  In a bar, a Scot sees a pretty girl. He approaches. She shouts: "What? You want to sleep with me? Rude character!" He leaves but she catches up to him and tells him it was a joke. The guy starts shouting: "What, 500 bullets? Bitch!"

  The husband comes out of the bathroom, completely naked and very fit. Seeing her husband coming, the wife said to him: Not tonight darling, I have a very bad headache… That's good: I sprinkled my s*x with aspirin. Do you want it as a cachet or a suppository?

  I will also go to Monaco to see how you will manage with 1000  euros per year in your new life. A beautiful young woman asks her husband: My love, what kind of woman would you like to have?  A very beautiful woman or a very intelligent woman or  a good woman in bed? Honey, none of the three, because I chose you. In her house, Marie looks at herself naked in front of a mirror.  She said to her husband: Honey, I'm horrible, fat and ugly. I need a compliment on  this Valentine's Day. The man answers: Mary, you see things straight  in the face. A mother asks a couple spending Valentine's  Day in a public garden: Without a man, what would a woman do? The young woman answers: she would surely train another animal. -

  The hiring manager replies: Madam, I hire married men because they obey orders.  In addition, they know how to be silent during work.  Without sulking or flinching, the men are able  to take it when I yell at them.

  You, I'll fill your pussy with beer, then I'll lap it  up to the last drop. And the big guy is leaving. When the husband returns  with the beers in his two hands, agitated, the wife says to him: Honey, do you see the guy in the back? He told me he was  going to fill my pussy with beer. Then he would lap her up  until the last drop. Impressed by the size of the type, the husband replies calmly: Don't worry Mary. You know very well my dear that I  would never fight with a guy who drinks that much beer.

  husband: Listen, all you have to do is find a 22-year-old blonde.  I will do what is necessary for you to come back to your little  two-room house. My lawyer and I are going to help you drive out a  rotten old car. We will also arrange for you to sleep on a mat  at night. Every evening, you will watch your  videos on a black and white screen.

  anniversary, replies the boyfriend. Wow…what a story! If you give him such a gift for your 20th birthday, what are you going to buy him to celebrate his 40th birthday? Low, it's simple. I will go find her to bring her home to resume a normal life.

  You're strong, she gave you some? Very few women do this in real life. You're kidding ? Of course yes, I would never do the dishes with cold water.

  then at 3 meters and then very close to her. That way you will know if the situation is serious or not. When he arrives home, the little old man talks to his wife. The latter is sitting next to a window, located about 5 meters from the main door of her house. Honey, what do we have for dinner tonight? No answer, he approaches his darling at a distance of 4 meters before asking the same question. His wife has yet to respond. Thus, he advances to 3 meters then very close to her. And finally, his wife replies: My love… for the fourth time, ham and cheese.